I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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