I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
