I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
