I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
