Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I CAN MOONWALK!
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Randomize