Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
