so explain again why im purple
no
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
