mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
