Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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