Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I'm so fucking centered right now
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
