I wish life had little blips of pornography
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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