Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
