OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
