Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Randomize
