Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
