I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
