I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
