I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize