He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
