i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
