I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
