if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
