woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize