I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
