then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize