Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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