Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
