I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
