My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize