4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
