Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I am midnight drunk by noon
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
