Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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