tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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