everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
