I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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