i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
i need some magic done to my vagina
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
