I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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