What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
