Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
