There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize