Where is the hickey?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
As shirtless as possible
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
