Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
