I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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