throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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