dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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