Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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