I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
