you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
