you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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