I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
