Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
