I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize