6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
