My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
