took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
