Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
