i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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