I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
