You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
