I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
