If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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